Stymied, Torn, Erased, Limited, Lost, Ashamed.

by annex50

Here are some of the things you did that shaped me:

You made me clean things 3 or more times… just because

You put “Do Not Touch” post-its on food so that others could have it and not me

You served me TV dinners while my dad and step-siblings would have home-cooked meals

You would have a cookie jar full of cookies that no one would want except for me, yet I could not have

You would not let me hang out with my step-brother because you said he didn’t want to, yet we would play games every time we interacted

You would not let me interact with your immediate family when they would visit

You would not let me watch TV or eat with the family.

You made me go to my room immediately when I came home making me feel like an outcast I didn’t want to be

You locked me out of my own house

You would not let me cook anything

You called me stupid or some other curse word multiple times everyday

You threw away my homework

You made me cross out any reference to you in my writings at school even when they were positive

You made my mom’s picture and frame on my shelf disappear and claimed ignorance

You grounded me on Halloween for no reason which subsequently led to my dad slapping and chasing me

You would not let me go inside my friends’ house just for the hell of it

You would even drive around to make sure I was outside

You would wake me up on my time off and summer time at 7am and make me go outside

You knew that my friends would not be awake and I’d feel hopeless

You made me have to sit in the woods all day to find solace

You served me a bologna sandwich that I had to eat at 4pm everyday

You made this same sandwich at least an hour before I ate it giving me the most stale taste

You did the same with my cereal in the morning; cereal soggy and unappetizing

You served me Kool-Aid everyday

You refilled this “Kool-Aid” with water when it reached empty without the mix (pink water)

You bought all the munchies on the planet when my step-brother visited yet I could not eat them

You didn’t even look at me when I came home from school

You didn’t even do so when I said “hi”

You slapped me

You created a scene during your family birthday dinner just because I came along to the restaurant

You made me clean the same areas that my step-brother used but he did not have to

You would not let me have a Sega Genesis because he had one

You said that my aunt and grandma were the ones destroying our family yet my aunt is the one who made my dad attend the very place that led you two to meet!

You would not allow any of my friends to come into my house

You lied to my father to win arguments

You deceived

You tried to make my dad choose between me and you

You made me keep my door unlocked so you could terrorize me when you wanted

You would not let me home before your determined time at night

You set times for everything so I could be separated

You made me eat breakfast at 7, lunch at 12, and dinner at 4, alone!

You made me take your dogs out every two hours when you were not home

You had your manic moments when you’d ask me to tell you what I wanted from the grocery store

You’d fill the kitchen with my wildest food dreams

You’d take it all away within a couple of weeks and I’d not know why

You even knew how to B.S. the cops when they came to our door because of your neglect

You did so because you controlled my mind, I was a kid

You promised me things you knew you wouldn’t deliver when confronted with conflict

You made me think my father was a complete asshole

You made me not trust anyone

You made me feel worthless

You made me afraid to project out of fear of being myself

You made me ride my bike to my first job along a windy, uphill road without bike lanes or sidewalk

You made me do this even when I only worked weekends while you both were home

You fucking grew an independent monster that day

You let me have a car on my 16th birthday so I’d have less of an excuse to come home

You made it so I had many days that I’d go to a park and sit in the parking lot letting time pass

You made it so I had to call my job to ask if they needed help just because I wanted to pass time

You made it so my friends even had to feel that they didn’t do enough but I had too much time to fill

You blamed my mother for spoiling me when I was younger

You said it was my fault for it all because I was a spoiled brat.

You were too stupid to realize that she raised me in a family atmosphere

You also didn’t realize that I practically grew up on a barn, how spoiled was I?

You may have been right because I did get a Nintendo in 1985

You didn’t realize that the photo capture of that day was my great-grandmother kicking ass on Duck Hunt when she was 95 years old.

You would not let me use the computer even though I was led to pursue an engineering degree

You actually thought I would pursue my father’s path after he let your rule reign?

You searched through my things constantly

You made my father think I was a bastard son

You allowed my father to be the biggest fool I’ve ever known

You have allowed me to hate stronger than anyone can conceive

You could not conquer my mother

You lost because my mother taught me how to love

You did not take into account that my mother could teach me how to fight anyone and anything

You did rip my soul apart

You made me forget half of what I should have said in this passage

You are the worst person I’ve ever known

You don’t deserve credit for the fight I’ve grown to love in me

You  don’t deserve the credit for my success

You will never appease me

You will never try

You

You

You should be writing to me

You should be realizing what you’ve done

You should realize that you corrupted a life filled with  loving people

You’ve crushed my desire to be optimistic

You need to leave

My life.

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