Life at 18 Part IV

by annex50

Personal Journal Entries (for the dedicated reader)

2/11/98

Well, today should have been a happy day for me but once again, like all of the days this year, tragedy has occurred. Today should have been my one-month anniversary with my love but instead it is a termination of the relationship. Pills lie in front of me just begging to be taken, but I do not want them. I thought I had an exam today but realized that it was yesterday and now have a great friend called 0 attached to me. I need a change in my life. Whether that means moving or just finding someone here, I know that something must be done. Going to USF would give me some sort of fulfillment in that I could work at the only place that truly had respect for me. Quite possibly, Taco Bell was the only safe and loving place I had in my life. But going back to Tampa would mean that I was still close to home, which means that I am still close to hostility and unhappiness. My friends would be in Tampa but only for a short time. So, where can I find the answers?? I know not. What I do know is that I need some massive help or some enlightening answers. I am just too unhappy and confused. I need to find my salvation. I need to be saved. I need someone that I can love. I need happiness.

12/15/1998

I am hoping to start some sort of ongoing journal entry now. In looking back on that last entry, I must have been very unhappy. I remember why I felt that way. I felt unloved, alone, and dejected. I also hadn’t found any spirituality. Through writing, mostly poetry, I have learned a lot about myself and have encountered many problems of my past. I have gotten over much of the unhappiness that was attached to me. The music I have chosen lately has been an attempt to grow spiritually. I have been fairly careful in my selections. I have gotten Alanis Morisette, Madonna, Sheryl Crow, and Jewel. Their albums are words from their spirit. They have learned the importance of life. They have learned the meaning of love and how it must be taught to everyone they encounter in their lives. They have also taught that we are all ONE and that we must bind together to battle whatever massive evil awaits us.

I have had many dreams lately that leave me confused. Dreams of murders, tidal waves, tornadoes, severe storms. Why the catastrophe in these dreams? Either this is representative of myself or foretells what is to happen in the future. The human race, itself, is in jeopardy. We are forgetting about God as a whole. We are becoming too self-centered. Aspiring to become a great leader or star is fine but only if you intend on helping people and sending them a message of love and/or happiness. We cannot have fulfillment in our lives if we perceive to be the only ones living in it. I recently had a dream featuring Madonna and then one featuring Bill Clinton. I have yet to figure these out:

The Madonna dream was truly a dream of mine. I finally got to see her in concert in the front row. She looked at me and I felt an overwhelmingly love for her. Her music has led a spiritual revolution within me. There is something strange about her. I envy her more than anyone. Her voice isn’t the best that there is and her message is projected through the mouth of Jewel and Alanis as well. But there is something about her that I just can’t get over. I hope I figure this out someday whether it be in the spiritual plane or the earthly one.

The other dream featured me looking at a bunch of newspaper stands with a brick wall behind them. The papers were blurry and hard to read the headlines. Bill Clinton approached me and I was pretty shocked but I felt a warmth surrounding him. He was truly genuine. He told me that he would be going to dinner with a couple of people near the UF facility and offered me to join him. I agreed. We all sat together and enjoyed each other’s company in the setting. I don’t recall if this next part was a continuation of this dream or a new dream all together. It doesn’t incorporate Clinton. I can’t really recall it exactly but I think I did something I wasn’t supposed to do and was being chased by people and eventually got caught but I remember something being wrong with the whole thing. I felt a sense of betrayal and unfair treatment. Everything was surreal, it seemed like I was in a prestigious building.

I also had a dream with my mother in it. She was with other family members, some of which have passed on. She was unhappy in the dream when she looked at me. That is very unusual, my dreams with her usually are either positive or leave ME feeling unhappy, not her. I wonder if it has to do with the fact that I have been overly self-conscious which has stalled my growth as a person and a teacher.

Anyway, I have an exam coming up on Thursday which is in 2 days. It is in religion. I have gotten 2 B’s so far in Poetry and Management. I will not recapture my scholarship but hopefully my dad will not be unhappy with my performance. I know I can do better but have found it difficult to get motivated. I want to achieve so much and teach so much that I feel entrapped in this cage. I want to get out of here, I don’t care about a college degree. I don’t care about making money. I care about fulfilling god’s word and expressing his message so that maybe we can avoid the inevitable. The only way we can combat the ultimate evil is by binding together as one, everyone!! Until that happens, we are doomed to the unmerciful dictator. We must not be fooled by his words and seemingly generous intentions. But this can carry on for a long time and I would like to close this day’s journal. I hope to continue this journal and speak of many things. Maybe this will find some answers for me that I desperately need. Until next time, so long. Isn’t it fun rereading what you wrote so long ago? Bye.

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