by annex50

Awareness and/or understanding of another’s perspective is a difficult task to initiate and appreciate.  It is something that you can do at any time and could drastically change your self-perception.  I was sitting on the patio the other night talking to one of my roommate’s friends, and he asked me if I had finished my Christmas shopping yet.  I had already reasoned in my mind why I was not going to purchase gifts this year; I have very little cash, need a car, and do not have a job.  However, when I attempted to answer the question, I simply said that I was pretty much done but laughed awkwardly.  Then, he sort of laughed and said, “you’re not done yet, are you?”  Then I responded by saying that I really wasn’t buying much this year.  He asked about where my parents lived and if I would be visiting, etc.  I found myself disengaging from my artificial world.  I began to face myself with a different set of eyes.  I was not going to be visiting my parents.  I was not going to be able to buy my family or friends any gifts.  I was a person without action.  I was powerless in this material world.  I was outside altering my mind in more ways than one.  I was what I previously justified; I was what I did not want to face.  I found that I was perceived as being lazy, unemotional, and without intimate family and relationship ties.  I was extinguished and cornered.

I do not believe that life is really as serious as it is portrayed but can’t help but feel a deep, emotional void.  My mind rises and crashes violently only to find the surface.  I have changed in the world of perspective while simultaneously subscribing to the daily grind.  I found a new stairway to climb, but it still forces me to take one step after another with the same set of clothing, body scars, and demeanor.

I can also choose to accept the view that I am holding in my cornered limelight.  Strength.  I took a risk if that term is allowable.  Risk defined as halting relationships and activities that I did not enjoy.  Risk defined as quitting my job, breaking up with my girlfriend, moving to a new city, and pursuing a new degree without a job and financial buffer.  Risk defined as making a substantial change but not actually taking the real risk that I wanted to take… California and a chance at film production… missed that.  You know, because I didn’t have enough money or time and was still unsure of myself.  So, obviously, the middle road was the way to go even though it was riddled with destruction.  Interesting.  Disappointing.  A path that could have been taken by another perspective that I may never embrace.