as the title suggest, I am speaking this message into my phone. so, there will be many mistakes. I feel like what drives me is what probably drive drug takers .,I meant users. I tend to live for the adrenaline rush. I want that ultimate emotional feeling. I can reach that by talking to others and digging deep with them, competition, and praise.
if I cannot reach that rush, then I feel like I have failed. I feel like I have seen and experienced death and many, if not all, deep, emotional experiences that I can in this country. or shall I say, the dome of my life. I care but do not feel much here. maybe it’s the doctors. maybe its god. I can not match what I have felt already. its leave me wandering.
I take interest in what I have learned and what I know I am good at. why should I be expected to do any different? sure, the world has changed. but, ultimately, it is survival of the fittest. so I know what I am good at. does it matter? I think my skills can generate money. I think my skills can enhance relationships. 4 me, I could not ask for more.
by the way, I feel like the mother in terminator 2. she uses her tape recorder and expects that recording to be understood and or deciphered by technology that is way beyond her comprehension.
I say, for me, this way of thinking is on the fulfilling. it is what stops me. it stops me because when I wake up, I am not motivated. I do not know if I should make use of my strengths or conform to my expectations. it makes me feel paralyzed.