talking

by annex50

as the title suggest,  I am speaking this message into my phone.  so, there will be many mistakes.  I feel like what drives me  is what probably drive drug takers .,I meant users.  I tend to live for the  adrenaline rush.  I want that ultimate emotional feeling.  I can reach that by talking to others and digging deep with them, competition, and praise. 

if I cannot reach that rush, then I feel like I have failed.  I feel like I have  seen and experienced death and many, if not all,  deep, emotional experiences  that I can in this country.  or shall I say,  the dome of my life.  I care but do not feel  much here. maybe it’s the doctors.  maybe its god.  I can not match what I have felt already.  its leave me wandering. 

I take interest in what I have learned  and what I know I am good at. why should I be expected to do any different?  sure,  the world has changed.  but, ultimately,  it is survival of the fittest.  so I know what I am good at. does it matter?  I think my skills can generate money.  I think my skills can enhance  relationships.  4 me, I could not ask for more. 

by the way,  I feel like the mother in terminator 2. she uses her tape recorder  and expects that recording  to be understood and or deciphered by technology that  is way beyond her comprehension. 

I say, for me,  this way of thinking is on the fulfilling. it is what stops me.  it stops me because when I wake up, I am not motivated.  I do not know if I should  make use of my strengths  or conform to my expectations.  it makes me feel paralyzed. 

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