Left dreamin

by annex50

I know I’ve complained about my dreams.  I finally had a more positive feeling dream but with disappointment of course!  I dreamed I was picked to be on the TV series, Survivor.  I felt this intense excitement.  However, and this parallels another dream that I had with a Madonna concert the other day too.  I needed to catch a plane flight to Minnesota to make it to the casting but we got to the airport late and I missed the flight.  However, the dream continued with a replacement “me” in Survivor (in other words, I still lived the replacement’s experience).  I remember “I” was laying next to some girl during the show lakeside.  Some weird big-ass clam fish thing enveloped her (I was freaked out) but she was ok with it.  She just told me it was part of the experience.  Anyway, it continues and I am me now.  Everyone seems to recognize me as the guy who appeared on the show.  I guess he took my name or something.  I had another chance to appear on the show.  I imagined people that I could ally with and those who wanted to be in my alliance and it felt intensely good emotionally.  I only say this because I do feel when I dream.  When I woke up, I felt so good.  So important.  Not because I was popular but because I went for that “something” that I had been wanting to be a part of for so long.  I woke up feeling good.

So, in my newfound glory, I approached the day in a good mood and thought to myself, “You know what?  I am going to apply for Survivor today.”  I know, seems lame, whatever.  I have been to that site many times and they always have casting calls and a long-ass application that requires video, references, etc.  I usually think of applying to Survivor when I am drunk and defer it off to the next day and don’t apply because it requires too much effort.  Anyway, my dream substituted the drunken state so I felt that maybe this time I should just do it.  Maybe it was a “sign.”  Maybe it was just an excuse to go for something that made me feel good inside.

Oh, the woe be told.  I went to the site today.  There was not a listing on the site for casting like I remembered.  I did a google search and found applications from years ago.  So, I revised my search for posts within the last month.  No luck.  So, I then just searched for CBS casting.  Alas, a link appeared!  There is a CBS casting site for like 4 shows.  So, I clicked on the Survivor show and they boasted how you no longer had to fill out a 12-page application or send in a VHS tape and I was excited.  But, as luck would have it, there were no active links to apply.  It just said to stay tuned.  So, I bookmarked the site.

I guess this might align with other minds:  don’t get hyped up in fantasy.  I shouldn’t get wrapped up in my dreams where my mom doesn’t smile at my presence, where demons are after me, or where passion lies in wait.  Just put it all in quarantine.  Cure it all by forgetting or directing focus to the five senses.  Breathe while counting the seconds.  Everything about the self is measured.  If not, such folly.  Such a way.

You see, this is my problem.  I don’t believe all that crap.  I don’t know a lot of things, but I no longer care in a way that is power-hungry-chewed either.  I am not “I” because I believe we are unique; I don’t believe that shit either.  I never have believed in anything that I was forced to listen to.  It’s not because I know more; I believe that it’s because I try to actually experience my life.  So shocking that it’s not a happy-self-help way of life?  Truly experiencing life is not a story told.  It’s my way of living sprinkled with whatever or whomever I choose to LET my brain actualize.  I cannot control what my brain receives, but I CAN control what I want to.  I firmly believe this.  I am not my brain and it’s not because my brain can self-actualize because that doesn’t make any sense really, or do you argue that the I am part of the brain’s self-actualization?  How can I talk about my brain?  Am I the potential it seeks?  Is this a tangent?  Ask Maslow.

I just say fuck all the restraints.  I don’t give a fuck about money or people who have screwed me in the past.  I could easily but I’ve chosen not to.  I don’t give a fuck about a lot of rules.  However, I don’t want to harm anyone.  I’ve seen it, experienced it and the feeling is what I identify with.  I don’t want to give that to anyone.  I think that it’s because feeling is what we call experience.  Feeling good is an energy; it’s a feeling that doesn’t translate into words well because it gets cheated.  It’s not about money or love because it has all these status or word attachments.  It just feels good.  You know what I mean, right?  So, is life about feeling good?  Does that need translation into your actions or interactions with others?

Honestly, I’d like to rant more.  I don’t want to end up like Alex DeLarge.  I don’t need therapy.  I am crafted by my brain’s need to fit in this mess.  I like that mess but am not motivated by the rewards.  So, I aim to be transient.  It feels right for me.  I am just protecting the seed that wants to grow, right-brain?